Some Breakage...

Although I do not want to (and will not) painfully detail EVERY event that took place leading up to my "living alone in Alsace," I should at least explain how I went from being "romantically-involved" to being "alone and single..."

Things with "C" were not going too well in Germany, and had not been going well (at least, not at allllllll as I had hoped/imagined/expected things to go) right from the very moment I had arrived in Europe.

For many more reasons than just one, we broke up - and not just once or twice, but three times over, in a short, difficult period of 2 months. This serious breakage (obviously) placed an added stress on my situation, since, I knew I HAD to get the hell out of his place, and out of Germany once and for all! It was pretty difficult with a broken heart, a distracted conscience and with broken ideals/visions, but...I still had little hope...that somehow...(damnit!)...things would HAVE to work themselves out. Luckily, after breaking-up, if "C" noticed my diminishing confidence, he assured me (as most ex's do) that "things would work out just fine," for which I'm actually very appreciative...little as the gesture was.

And, despite the breakage/rupture, we did try our best to communicate our positions and feelings very clearly for some time. The fact that we were both students of philosophy certainly didn't help us! In addition, the time-constraints and emotional-stress I was facing to find a job, and to get settled on my own in Europe did NOT help...

While we were still together, I had confidence (hypothetically-speaking) that I was well-equipped (and well-prepared, both mentally and emotionally) to deal with LOADS of stress, even if it meant that I'd have to take out my frustrations on him from time to time....which is probably what led to the breakage/rupture in the first place... one cannot use another person as a lean-on/punching bag unless they want/allow you to do so!

And, as time ticked by, our differences in handling-stress became increasingly apparent whenever together. He become more and more freaked-out/alarmed by all the stress and complications in our lives, and in our relationship, while I become more aggressive/"forceful"/reactionary to the stress (hoping to SOLVE the complications.) He called for more "space," to deal with his own "life stresses" (working on his PhD dissertation and his personal issues) and I became increasingly DEMANDING for his support, having noticed and resented his poorly-timed distance, both physically and emotionally....(btw...now I understand just how difficult it is to give someone "space" when you live together in a 1 bedroom apartment, with NO outside financial cushioning to put oneself up in a hotel/motel!)

I should note here, that, although I NEVER relied upon this man financially (and always paid my half of the deal, making sure never to make him feel disadvantaged) "C" felt disadvantaged anyways - and understandably so, (which I can only say now after 8 months healing time!) For, "C" was NOT equipped/prepared to deal with stress in the same "aggressive" fashion as I...

Saying goodbye was difficult, but not prolonged, since all the lingering details and complications (with the job-search and apartment search) suddenly worked themselves out, thus freeing-me from his apartment, and his life at the right moment....

Then again "right" is a relative term in emotional scenarios; after all, our breakage, literally broke my assurance, my confidence, my security, my comfort-levels, and my sanity. The entire "plan" we had created and imagined to share together had crumbled apart...and I was to re-create Rome from NOTHING...with no one...."ALONE IN ALSACE."

KEY WORDS: Breaking up is hard to do, Living abroad, Americans abroad