The days leading up to my first work-experience as a "religious culture" teacher in Strasbourg, France were the scariest and most stressful days of my life; the first and most obvious reason for my nervousness was that my French was not NEARLY good enough to speak in public, let alone to TEACH in the language! Since I had been living the life of a poor balcony-monk -literally- (without T.V, radio, friends or conversation) I had become very insecure about my speaking abilities! My only contact with the French language at this point had been with the books I had loaned on "religion" (which frankly bored me to death considering their poor quality) and Rousseau's EMILE (whose language-difficulty-level forced me to give up on it before too soon).
Secondarily, yet perhaps more fundamentally, my lack of confidence and motivation resulting from the recent break-up with C put a damper on my ability to progress and motivate myself anew; I hadn't been able to clear my mind of its emotional distress, and I was still feeling hopelessly romantic and miserable, awaiting word from him...awaiting closure...
If only I had been teaching something more familiar - (say - ENGLISH!?!) - I would have been less worried in general, but knowing that I'd have to communicate sensitive detail, regarding delicate and controversial issues- and to a classroom-full of middle-school and high-school aged students...I knew I was up for some kind of hell...and that I SURELY WAS!!!! :-)
Nightmares haunted me each night, and my days were wraught with one mindless preparatory task after the next - lots of mindless details. My formal "training sessions" with the woman I was to replace at the job-site was very kind, and reassuring, but our tutorial sessions were not all that helpful to clarify what the job would be like. I had a million un-anwerable questions:
1) what were my students going to be like? how will they think of me? will they understand me? will they laugh? how should I react?
2) what will my collegues be like? will I fit in with the other adults? will I make friends? what if I don't?
3) will I be able to manage teaching a material of which I have little to no experience or knowledge? what would it take to get fired? will I be fired for incompetance? what will they think of me? what will they think of Americans?
4) how shall I begin? how shall I proceed? how shall I discipline? will I make it through this school year?
So many questions cannot be answered, and I knew this too...but nothing could have prevented me from thinking about the endless negative possibilities; the numbers I counted-out were dizzying, leaving me breathless. Yet in hoping to be SOMEWHAT productive, I sought answers to as many practical concerns as possible, such as: what is the appropriate dress-code? who do I contact in case of x or y? How does the scheduling work? (For I had been forewarned that I would be working on a rotating schedule (week-1) and (week 2)...each week entailing 17 different classes of students.
I knew what texts I would be using, and had outlined a rough sketch as to how I would manage the material, late that summer:
1 preselected text for la classe 2nde (equivalent to 10th grade) on "religious questions facing the world, a different pre-selected text for 3e (9th grade-age) on "Religions and practices of the East," and a third and final text for the 8th grade, on "Sacred spaces and customs..."
Finally, "La prérentrée" was scheduled 2 days before the first day of classes, a.k.a. "la rentrée," wherein I was to be introduced before a burning-hot auditorium of future-collegues. Standing up for applause and welcome I had turned a DEEP-BEET RED. As sweat beads rolled down my back, I waved quickly and smiled, before sitting myself down again. I had never ever known myself to be so timid in my life...(at least not since I was 5 years old!) Looking back in retrospect, the majority of that day was a blur to me, for it went by so quickly. I shook over 100 persons' hands, including other "newbies" and I received a pile of papers to lugg home, including my "emploi du temps" - my work schedule!
Little did I know that I'd be teaching 556 students: "lucky me," I thought...("556 Students ALL TO MYSELF...WHAT HELL WILL CORRECTIONS AND GRADING PROVE TO BE!") Yet, I couldn't panick just yet, the first day of classes were just ahead.
In addition to shaking many hands and receiving lots of reading "homework" that afternoon, I was given a final preview-tour of the (renovated) "on-site" working conditions. Although I had bragged to C about my impressive interview in the Cathedrale at Strasbourg back one month prior, I was even more impressed by the PRIME conditions at the school where I'd be teaching. REALLY. MINT. TV-series-worthy...I mean...this school was too proper for a young and clueless American girl. I was a bit intimidated to say in the least...
Then the first day of school came all too quickly; although I had been waiting for what seemed like forever for the day to arrive earlier that summer. I got to school over an hour too early, in case I'd have last-minute problems to work out...which probably looked REALLY silly. I was there before anyone else - including the secretaries who had commented on my timeliness that morning.
I had 7 keys, and needed to figure out where my classrooms were, since for each class I'd be scattered from one room to the next...and luckily, I did not get lost once.
I made out questionnaires for every student, and had prepared a little introductory speech of my own, which was probably a mistake, looking back. SO MANY students looked wide-eyed and surprised to have such a young, and foreign teacher...while staring at me, dumbfounded, I'm sure they were thinking the following: "I thought this class was a joke BEFORE, but now it's REALLY a joke with her up there!"
Yet, I shouldn't complain; the first day was not the worst to come...
Plus, I really appreciated the kids' predispositioned class-room behavior: not a one of them sat down until I asked them to do so (I've never seen that before and didn't even know what the hell was going on when I had a bunch of students standing before me!) Not only this, but I couldn't help but take notice of the fact that every student had come prepared with cute little pouches, which they had placed on their desks - wherein they kept all their pens, pencils, rulers, white-out...their EVERYTHING. I realized that these kids were well-trained!!!!!
Between classes, I tried to relax myself until the next bell would ring. I tell you, (to this day) whenever the school-bell rings, I get major-butterflies in the pit of my stomach...(and I should note here that it is no tradition "bell," buzzer nor "ring" - for "bell" plays the melody of children's song...) AH! Scary!
Even when I was a KID I wasn't really a KID. I wasn't too fond of children's songs, toys, stuffed animals, or children's games; I resented being asked to take a nap or to watch Sesame Street...and I suppose things haven't changed too much!
Though I cannot say that I dislike children or children's "things" I cannot understand nor appreciate them as well as one should think; after all, teachers often LOVE children, and babysitters usually ADORE them.
But, nahhh...not so much for me...
WHY TEACH? WHY BABYSIT? One may ask...
My response would be this: teaching is a way to have a voice, to take the lead, to share and promote ideas. Teaching is learning, as it allows for the greatest of opportunities - in ASKING QUESTIONS (my life-long favorite activity!) Not only this but teaching allows for a life-style of which I am particularly fond; an unpredictably daily life, always keeping you on your toes, with a schedule that does not run on from 9-to-5 predictable schedule (I do not like predictability when it comes to the day-to-day goings-on, for I personally have no REAL rhythms nor patterns). Finally, I really appreciate the community-feeling of the academic scence...just having a network of people with whom I can discuss things that matter/raise intellectual questions means the world to me.
(Babysitting, on the other hand, is usually pretty good cash on the side...and is really flexible for a person whose schedule changes CONSTANTLY) and, I figure: hell, if I EVER THINK about having children, I ought to know how terrible kids can be before the temptation even arises! :-)
I'll get back to just HOW terrible children can be...in my next entry...
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