First Impressions...

I've learned that first impressions are often mistaken. And though some may argue that our first impressions correspond with some kind of "natural instinct," or some kind of automatic "reception of the truth," experience has taught me that no such thing exists; nothing is that EASY; humans are MORE complex.

And I believe if we are honest with ourselves, this would become all the much clearer; after all, it seems commonplace for human beings to put up a guard - that, when placed into new situations, we are likely to be a bit on the defense; and as such, are forced (to some extent) to put on a mask - to create an image or portrayl of ourselves that we know others may "like" or accept...

This may or may not be necessary depending on the situation or environment (some conditions call for defensive mechanisms and self-protection and other times require none at all).

Having moved throughout my childhood from one part of the state to the next (from school to school) and later from university to university, only to be followed by relocating to a different country in my young adulthood, I have thought a lot about self-image, projection, portrayls and FIRST IMPRESSIONS...

Unfortunately, I've never mastered the "art" of first impressions despite the time I've put into thinking about them; both projecting my own image, as well as understanding impressions of others is difficult for me.

Some of my greatest friends and mentors have been people whose initial impressions turned me to look the other way, and meanwhile, I've been told that my own first impressions are pretty lousy, coming off as "snobby," "cocky," or "overly confident." The funniest impressions-feedback I've received are things like: "I thought you were a rich-equestrian when I met you." Or, "you LOOK like a teacher..." And my favorite: "You look look like a MARRIED EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN..." (??!!!??) hahahahahhahahaahahha!!!!!

Though I am in no position to say whether or not these things are true to my personality (except for the obviously-false statements...) I'd like to believe people were perceiving one of my MASKS.

Though it is difficult for me to NOT express my true feelings and emotions (I have little control over my expressions and outward reactions) I too mus put on a "mask," from time to time.

When my first day of teaching was on the horizon, I knew I'd only have 1 first impression - both to give, and to receive. Though I was scared shitless, to the point where I could hardly breathe, I didn't want my students or collegues to sense this. I HAD to come off as an authority if I wanted to maintain the upper disciplinarian hand; I COULD NOT look like a frightened floosy youngster if I wanted to meet intelligent, interesting people. Most importantly, I HAD to keep this job!

A black and white button-up long-sleeve collard shirt, with black dress pants would do the trick; soemthing neutral...with my hair-up, and with a smile on my face I would try my best (in the very least) not to invite negative attention from others. A professional, serious, but classy and welcoming woman...this was what I was going for....

With my students, on the very first day of classes, I too quickly admitted, in all honesty, that I was nervous and granted them the right to correct my French if they were polite about it (in raising their hand), thus opening the door to my own insecurities...

With my collegues, however, I tried to maintain a certain distance (still smiling, so as not to be a COMPLETE jerk) avoiding questions, for I didn't want anyone to know how AWFUL my French was, how very LITTLE I knew about religion, nor how very SCARED I was to be standing before so many intellectual, culturally-cultivated (French) professors (in such a sophisticated and historically significant & ancient atmosphere!)

The fact of the matter is that the truth COMES out in time, and first impressions must be erased, or made up for.

Like good music, it takes time to appreciate...like good friends, people too require TIME to understand and appreciate and judgments cannot be rushed.

However, thanks to others' faith in humanity, (leaving judgments aside), their generosity and kindness, a couple of collegues and students have made my stay bearable, despite my shitty first impressions...