"Keeping in touch"

I've had a long history of "keeping in touch" with family members afar, with friends and ex's had, and with my own histories and stories passed (that is, aside from the very practice of WRITING this blog, from time to time I cannot help myself from looking at old photoalbums and scrapbooks just for the sake of "keeping in touch with the past.")

I guess I could say it's obsession of mine, stemming from childhood; having realized what pains ensued when friends did not -or could not- keep their promises to "stay in touch when I moved away, I wanted to take action on this: I would avoid unnecessary pain by playing MY PART. Yet, I suppose this desire to "stay in touch" with friends of old is -or at least was- ultimately a childish need to HOLD ON; it is unquestionably the inability to "let go."

However, my experience in France forced me to "let go" to some extent. After all, I knew in leaving US soil that I'd be leaving my friends and family behind, and this time by choice, as opposed to moving around by force.

As such, I could live out new experiences as they came; I was able to "keep in touch" with the present moment...that is, with reality...by going with the flow... except for when I didn't :-)

The persons with whom I corresponded frequently both saved me and grounded me to the past. Though I would have liked to have had the strength to go with the flow 100% of the time while I was living my dream in France, I frequently experience rushes of disappointment, anxiety, and with feelings of extreme loneliness when thinking of my decision to "let go" of my family, friends and most painfully, my dog. Rushing towards the present, I was simultaneously holding onto the past.

Luckily, Jason, my closest friend and confident, reassuured me that nothing had been lost - that no one was gone. Keti kept me in the loop, always reminding me that I was missed. My sister and my father acted in familiar ways, both debating with me and asking me all sorts of questions, as though I had been sitting with them at the dinner table all along. Billy wrote to me from time to time after Christmas, which brought much excitement into my heart, looking forward to my eventual return.

So the paradoxical question remains to be whether ot not one NEEDs to be reminded of the past in order to better live the present? And, if not, why are some of us so apt to do it? What is so comforting about old pictures, old stories, familiar faces and personalities? And WHAT is so painful about losing touch?

After all, the benefits of "LETTING GO" are more numerous than are those of "holding on." I felt this too, while in France; for when I wasn't feeling lonely, disappointed or uninteresting, I took on a completely different attitude towards the moment, and thus was able to meet new faces and plenty of new experiences. I did things I never thought I'd do, and saw things I'd never be ABLE to see had I focused my eyes and consciousness on the past.

Ironically enough though, I confronted and met so many wonderfully new people and experiences only to lose contact with them again!) Anabelle, Petra, Nenad, Xavier, Simone, Sophy, Mathieu, PPN, JS...who's to say I'll see them ever again?

Though it's a rather inappropriate truth to admit to blog-space (given its personal nature) I here should say that my greatest FEAR was made known to me while in France...

Oddly enough, the most obvious & reasonable, or traditional fears meant very little to me; the propects of travelling, fending for myself, earning a living on my own were not very frightening at all! Rather, my greatest fear I realized, was the feeling of being forgotten in the midst of it all.

A fear of being forgotten, while alive or dead, being plainly erased or cleared from the consciousness of others: all friends, family members and acquaintances had. God knows why I am so scared of such a silly thing, but nothing changes the fact that I am; hell...some people are scared of slugs or spiders - that's silly too!

In a way though, my fear relates to a hope, a hope that one lives "eternally" through the minds and energies (consciousnesses) of other living things. This is not to say that I believe (or disbelieve) whole-heartedly in the existence of a soul, nor in the reincarnation or resurrection of spirits. Indeed, it's a hope in the connectness of all living things; a "circle of life" of sorts. And, if it is true that we can have a positive influence on other living things - animals, plants or persons - just in BEING oneself (that is, without attributing any sort of individuality/personality) then the "chain" of positive energies can be passed-on and remembered.

If people are connected to one another in any other way than genes, I suppose they're connected by these rememberences; heart-felt experiences, both good and bad. I hope to have had enough of them to be unforgettable and will continue to strive to make more "connections" as long as I hold such hopes and fear such fears.

In any case, my being away in France did help me to gain consciousness of my own fear, and having recognized this fear, I feel more comfortable dealing with the pains involved in "letting go." After all, the pains caused by NOT keeping in touch are ultimately caused by this FEAR, rather than the actions (or inactions) of others...

Nevertheless, my appreciation is never-ending to those who were more than willing to humour me :-) I'm still glad they "kept in touch."