On Abstinence, On HAPPINESS...

I think I was "destined" to abstain from FUN for 4 months upon arriving in Europe last summer. That is, perhaps there was some kind of life-lesson I HAD to learn before appreciating what I had - or, in a Freudian-type analysis: maybe I was LOOKING for abstinence and misery.

Easy enough for me to say this after the fact, since during 4 month's time without television, radio, dining out, sex, visiting with friends (ANY of my favorite things, really) I was DYING for laughter and fun...!

I spent about a month trying to download, stream and watch movies online from my laptop, but PANDORA (free radio) Hulu (free movies and t.v.) were BLOCKED in France (international rights were somehow denied?)

The handful of DVDs I packed with me from the States were unreadable on any Dvd player in France (so buying a cheap portable player wouldn't have been an option, even if I had had any money!) So, When Harry Met Sally, Meet the Parents, Office Space, Borat, Three's Company, Monty Python...all of my favorite "pick me up" movies were nowhere to be found...::sigh:: I hardly could believe it, or as my friend Keti had put it:

"...Really now...I mean....REALLY?"

But I knew things weren't as bad as they SEEMED at the time. I was merely feeling low, but I was STILL in France! While keeping this in mind as often as I could, I decided to pick myself up, and try NEW things...

Not long before receiving my first pay check(which indeed is a story in and of itself!) I took myself out to a professional theater performance of Shakespeare's A Midsummer's Night Dream, using my Boston College student ID (for a reduced price!) I dressed myself up real nice, and took myself out on a date! Though I enjoyed the show, and a beer I admittedly felt a weeeeeeee little bit silly, sitting there by myself; after all, Shakespeare's subtle humour is difficult enough to pick up on & appreciate in English - forget understanding it in FRENCH! People were dying of laughter...and looking around nervously from time to time, not understanding the humour behind the jokes, I managed to giggle at other peoples' reactions...

I also went to the museums as often as I could - seeing that the first Sunday of every month they are FREE in France! Starting with The Fine Arts Museum in Strasbourg, I was very pleased with their selection. Meandering around the museum was relaxing, though it reminded me of C, who used to LOVE art & museums....which in the end made me kind of depressed. The History museums in Strasbourg are outstanding, however. The Historical museum of Alsace is like travelling in time, for real! Lucky for me, I was able to "travel" at all - even if it was all in my head :-) hehe

Yet all this classical-refined-intellectual stuff had never REALLY been my cup of tea, though I considered it important to "check out." Instead of simply checking out the high culture scene, I thought I'd better try something more "up my alley" to pick up my mood: SALSA DANCING! I searched for about a week trying to dig up Southern American hot-spots in Alsace...(but I'll tell you - they're difficult to find!) I surely thought the European Union would have made possible a more "intercultural" night life, but I was proven wrong. (The majority of places to go in Strasbourg are Alsacian pubs, young *high school age* techno clubs, and flammenkuchen/tarte flambee cafes...)

However, luck had it that a man from Peru had recently tried to install "salsa nights" in Strasbourg that August (I found his postings advertised online) and thus decided I'd help promote the up-coming scene by showing up each weekend. (THAT WAS MY PLAN, AT LEAST!)

For the opening night, I found myself in the basement of what was supposed to be a "happening place" I sat down at the bar waiting for the salsa night to begin, but still, at 11 o clock...no one was there (and Strasbourg isn't like Barcelona to say in the least...)

I looked around me, and it seemed like the locals were pretty comfortable - chatting it up with the bartender. I was like the oddball in a CHEERS episode. But around midnight, a middle-aged couple started to dance to the music, and I looked around hoping I might receive an invitation to dance in their suit; I wasn't so far off base, since the salsa INSTRUCTOR (the salsa-nights organizer that is) asked my hand to dance. I was pretty nervous (knowing he'd be a pro) but shimmied my way to the dance floor anyways (at which point - he and I were the only ones dancing!)

And though I had learned how to salsa with a Colombian friend of mine, (and thus was already aware of the "close-up-and-personal-dancing" i.e., no-distance dancing-tendencies of South Americans) I tried my best to FORCE myself to get over the fact/be comfortable with this stranger glued to my body; "just let loose!" I told myself.

Yet after about 10 minutes of dancing, the guy began kissing my neck, half-biting me. I pushed him away, really surprised, after which he said "Oh okay I'm sorry, I won't do it again."

Of course that was a lie though; after all, he DID IT AGAIN.

"DAMNIT!" I thought. I didn't want this bullshit. So, I peeled him off of me, got my things at the bar, and left.

A couple weekends later, I gave dancing 1 more shot, thinking it'd be the SUREST way to pick up my mood & HAVE FUN again....

However, the 2nd night dancing ended up being a bigger let down than the first. This time, though, it was because of my own insecurities and not because of any stranger- weirdo pulling crazy-aggressive stuff on me (like that time at the lake!)

I didn't feel comfortable dancing with any strangers, perhaps BECAUSE of all the weird Frenchies I had recently encountered (I didn't know what they were capable of doing, nor did I know how to READ their signs/behavior) so I sat around at the bar (again) for about an hour & 1/2 before someone asked me to dance. By that point, though I SO WANTED to just get up & get OVER my insecurities already, I hardly FELT like dancing anymore! I was getting tired and grumpy & felt a bit lonely, awkward and ugly - so I really had to force the moves....in fact, it wasn't even like dancing at all...

I'm sure that sex would have been much worse had I tried to cheer myself with any kind of "random hook up" (had I listened to friends telling me that I merely needed a good lay, lololol) that is - I knew I wouldn't have FUN as long as my confidence wasn't there. Getting too choked up...too insecure...my feet were merely fumbling around, and UGH...I REALIZED: THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT. This is not "happiness."

But what did "happiness" mean to me anyways? All I knew was ephemeral pleasure:

Great pleasures derived from sitting around talking with interesting people (preferably over wine, or beers, and of course, food) - sharing passionately and intellectually (or even in debate-form) about philosophy, and about....well...about ideas in general...about LIFE...!!

Back in Boston, with my Plato group - I had a circle of friends to help realize/actualize these pleasures as well as during my time as an undergraduate student at FSC with the philosophy club and cross country team...

But there were few moments when I thought I knew what the word "happiness" meant.

Thinking about it long & hard (and after re-reading Plato's Philebus) I reflected upon those moments...and realized what each "moment" had in common:

HAPPINESS, for me, is simply when I don't want my moment to end; that is, without even thinking about time, whenever I am MORE than pleased to be doing what I am doing just THEN, without rationalizing, or giving supplementary meaning to it...that is when I am "happy."

The only moments I could think of having such a rush was when I was dancing, or having sex; wherein both cases, time is nonexistent; time would NEVER stop me from feeling elated...for I'd never "stop to think" about stopping.

That feeling...of being REALLY happy in the doing - of whatever it is - is the greatest feeling/the greatest pleasure ever! (More precisely, when you're not thinking about time lost, or time gained, or what work is being forgotten, or WHY we're doing it in the first place, or if it's "up to par" for the other person...no hidden insecurities...ahhhhh!) That's happiness!

I USED to have that feeling while playing soccer, or basketball when I was much younger. There was something AMAZING about being on a team, being in a certain rhythm with familiar faces...having that community, and being in a constant FLOW...of ideas, and action. The DOING of it was a way to derive this feeling of elation. But later, for practical reasons (well, adolescence, mainly) I chose to avoid the team-sport atmosphere (since all the soccer girls were total drunks, and I didn't want to be like them) and running cross country was a great substitute for the the rush of ectascy/elatedness (that I had gotten from soccer), at least for some time...

Soon enough, though, I took on the unnecessary pressure of being competitive, having been told that I had a "real strong potential," that "I was a GREAT leader, and deserved to be captain" - which caused me to see running as being more connected to winning...to losing weight...to being a role model...to being healthy, to being GOOD at something in general - than it was related to HAPPINESS.

(Even though I continue to enjoy running, like I enjoy hiking, biking, swimming, kayaking, I enjoy doing them for other "reasons" other than to "BE HAPPY.") I derive pleasure from doing them...sure! But it's not same as those moments of REAL HAPPINESS...and anyways, unlike the embroidered logo on a "LIFE IS GOOD" baseball cap, happiness does not = running; happiness does not = camping...or anything quite THAT simply-stated! WELL - at least NOT FOR ME.) Happiness is not an activity in & of itself...Aristotle m(aybe mis-phrased the definition, lol, and I knew that I'd have to confront that France/travelling did not = happiness either.

Without friends, partners...reflective mirrors...I'd have to confront Alsace alone - not only to find its hidden gems and fun "activities," but also to unfold the happiness that comes from within...

I suppose abstinence<--- forced me to figure out this process out for myself...I began to lose MAJOR weight...I had NEVER seen myself so damn skinny! (It started to freak me out, as cool as it was to see myself so thin...)

And then, perhaps in stark contradition, other things paved the road towards realizing my own happiness:
1) nights chowing down on gummy-bears, nutella-covered croissants and ice cream, washed down with red wine (i.e., in disgusting myself! ),
2) my sister (who was TOO AWESOME to send me some of my favorite movies online!)
3) my best friend, Jason - who listened to & read all of my damn thoughts - the complaints, the hopes...the fears...everything.